Shocking Shopping and a Weekend Wrapup

The best part of my Friday? Suit shopping! If you were praying for me that it would go well, THANK YOU, because it was a piece of cake. I went to Ross right after it opened on Friday after a prayer in the car to not emotionally break down and scare people in the store be able to find a suit and to accept that I would not be wearing a size that I would normally wear. I must have tried on 50 or 60 things.

As every woman knows, there are two steps to finding something new to buy.

1. Does it fit? If yes, you may proceed to step 2. If no, do NOT convince yourself you will lose 10 pounds to be able to wear it, and put. it. back. and do NOT proceed to step 2.

2. Does it actually look good?

The amazing thing was that most of them fit. It was simply a matter of what actually looked good. I finally got it down to two favorite choices. I was debating back and forth, changing from option A to option B. And then I started to price compare option A with option B. Then it hit me. I could buy BOTH for less than what I would have paid at other stores for one suit. So I stopped changing clothes (you know how exhausting that is...) and I grabbed them both and headed for the checkout.

But you know you can't go STRAIGHT to the checkout. It's against shopping law. So I wandered through the rest of the store on my way. Remember Thursday's post where I said I was thankful for Target sports bras? Well, I found one at Ross! For $6.99! (They're $16.99 not on sale at Target.) It was an amazing deal. So, of course, that had to come home with me too. All said and done, I spent about $100 for two suits and extra stuff that jumped into my arms on the way to the checkout. Amazing, right?

As for the rest of Friday....lets just say it wasn't such a happy day. I was fine until lunchtime, and after that, it was slowly downhill until the evening hours.

I worked some on a scrapbook that I'm doing of all of my pregnancy pictures, cards, and baby stuff. And I'd like to say for the record that a baby should never have more sympathy cards than they do happy occasion cards. Don't misunderstand me, I am SO thankful for all of the cards and kind words we've received. It just sucks to be putting together a scrapbook for our baby that is more than half sympathy cards. I promise to send your child happy cards. I am starting a new collection of cards today of happy little cards to send all of your kids. And I want you to scrapbook THOSE. Don't scrapbook? Send me your pictures and happy cards and I'll scrapbook them for you. I'm going to make sure that you all have happy baby scrapbooks. The alternative is WAY too depressing.

A friend of ours, Kate, dropped off dinner around 4 and I was barely hanging on. Kate is a labor and delivery nurse at Potomac Hospital, where I delivered the baby and she let me know that she was holding on to the mementos that were made for us at the hospital when the baby was born. I should also mention that Kate is pregnant and due at the end of March....so that combined with her having to see people (like us) lose babies first hand, I think she gets how hard this must be. She let me know they took pictures of the baby's hands and feet and made little molds of the feet. I began to lose it. She left shortly there after and I completely lost it. The kind of "losing it" that requires you to sit down where ever you are (on the stairs) and then you get it back together enough to stand up and move (to the kitchen) and then lose it all over again (sitting on the kitchen floor). Nutty was NOT happy.

Poor Andrew was at work and received some not so good texts from me (sorry honey) and he came home as soon as he could.

The good news? I had just started thinking, "Maybe I'm ready to start thinking about going back to work." I'm thinking that emotional breakdowns in the classroom are discouraged (though some of my students don't follow that rule...), so I think I'll stay home for now.

The rest of the weekend was pretty good.

Inspired by Melissa, I can now walk and shoot zombies in Black Ops, but I find its not very good for my stress level.....turns out I'm not good with zombies coming at me.....who knew?!

Saturday we went to go see one of my student's gymnastics competitions. She did great and I was so proud. Then we went to celebrate Shari's birthday. This involved cake and time with friends. Both of which are on my list of favorite things.

Sunday we went to church, shopped at the commissary (Lindsay, be proud, I saved $8 with coupons!) and then chatted with my mom and dad as they got ready to set sail for their latest cruise. They left yesterday from Ft. Lauderdale to head to the Caribbean. Lucky ducks. My aunt and uncle are with them as well. More lucky ducks.

And that brings us to today. We'll see what this week brings.

Talkative Thursday with a side of Thankful

First of all, the haircut. Thank you to all of you for your kind words :-) Women are notorious for changing their hair when life's plans change. So on Monday I walked into the salon and asked her to please do something she thought would look great. Before the haircut my hair (when wet) was about half way down my back. Now it doesn't even try to touch my shoulders. I lost a LOT of hair. And I'm quite happy about it.

Secondly, have you seen the commercials for these?:

I saw the commercial for it about three weeks ago. I was impressed, but skeptical. Andrew and I bought one this week. To quote Kelly, "OMG!" I love this thing. I'm quite grossed out by how gross my floors were....but happy that they must be much cleaner now!

Today has been tough emotionally. I've been frustrated and feeling lost. Andrew and I had decided that I was going to be staying home with the baby next year. I was so excited about that new adventure. However, it leaves me feeling a little confused about what comes next at this point. I've decided to apply for jobs closer to home (currently I commute about an hour each way to work) but I don't feel like I'm quite "at my best" for interviews and such. For starters, I'm going out tomorrow to see if I can find a suit that will fit me in my not pregnant, not my size state. That will be an emotional disaster interesting shopping experience. I'm just hoping and praying that as the winter ends and the spring begins, that things will seem a little clearer.

Okay. Thankful time.

1. My parents. In the words of my mother, "Holy Zingers!" They're great people. Seriously, if you've met them you understand how wonderful they are. If you haven't met them, really, make it a goal for your future.

2. My mother-in-law. I hear horror stories all the time about mothers-in-law. I talked to mine for a long time this week and all she did was make me feel better. SO. THANKFUL.

3. Target sports bras. I know, it seems out of nowhere. But right now I have to wear a sports bra 24/7, so believe me, I'm thankful for a nice, soft comfy one. Thank you TARGET.

....hm....for that matter....

4. TARGET. It's funny. I read on the aforementioned blogs of Patrice and Lindsay that they visit Target often to avoid going nuts. They did this prior to having kids, after they lost their babies and now that they both have little ones that they're at home with. And when I read that, all I could think was, "AH! Me too!" Thank you Target for being close to my house and having plenty of things to wander through and discover that I NEED.

5. FRIENDS. Wow. We have been so amazed at the support we have received since the day we found out that we were going to lose our baby. Thank you for your cards, your emails, the dinners, and especially for your thoughts and prayers.

6. A rainy afternoon. Everyone feels tired and a little down on a rainy day. So I feel like I've got good company today. And misery loves company, don't cha know.

Wordless Wednesday

It's okay.

So I've spent the better part of the last few days reading the blogs of two amazing women, Patrice and Lindsay. I don't know either one of them personally, but I was given the links to their blogs by my high school friend Lindsey and I began to read. They both lost babies far too early (as if there is ever a time that's good to lose a child...) and blogged their way through it. Reading their journeys is helping me to walk through my own. One thing I've certainly learned from them (and thanked them for) is not only posting during the times they felt good and positive. I think it was so important for me to read that it was okay to feel sad and angry and to not get over this quickly. Like them, I find that writing things down helps me to deal with them. So I'll give you fair warning that I don't think all of my posts in the next few days/weeks/months will be as positive as I might like. But if their honesty helped me, its possible that my honesty just might help someone else.

This week I am struggling with the fact that I would have been half way through my pregnancy. I should have stopped counting up this week and began to count down the days and weeks until I would have been able to meet our little boy. I wouldn't yet have known that it was a little boy growing in me, and everyone still would have been guessing and taking bets.

I miss everything about being pregnant and expecting a child. And for those of you who knew how nauseous I had been during my pregnancy, you know that's saying something. I think a lot of women who lose a child look back and think, "I wish I'd been more appreciative of all of those moments when my child was there." They worry that they took for granted all of those moments. I can safely say that I don't have that regret or worry. Don't get me wrong, I would complain about being nauseous or sleeping all the time or forgetting how to turn on the oven (yes, I really did that, don't judge.) but I almost immediately followed a complaint with how thankful I was to be having those problems. I think that because it took us so long to get pregnant, I was better able to appreciate being pregnant, even if it was the cause of me being sick or exhausted.

I haven't been able to decide to take down the crib and the changing table yet. When I'm having a positive-thinking moment, it feels hopeful to have it there. When I'm feeling really sad and down, it helps me to grieve the loss of our child. So for now I'll leave it all there. I'll stare at the room when I need/want to, and ignore the room entirely when it needs to be ignored.

I have to say that the one thing that is really helpful to me in this whole process is how clear it was from the ultrasound pictures that this child was not meant to live on this Earth. I am thankful that we didn't feel the need to make a choice. I think it would have been much more difficult if, like Lindsay, my child had been born healthy and one day passed away without warning. We were sure that there was no choice to be made. It had been made for us. There was no need to carry our child to term. It doesn't make it better, but it is comforting in a way.

Now then. I must also share a Chestnut story to combat the sadness you may feel after reading what I said above.

Chestnut was begging like crazy this morning. First for attention, then for his breakfast, then for a treat to follow his breakfast. (I couldn't blame him, I love dessert too.) I finally gave him a bone that I knew he would deem a very special treat. The problem is that apparently the bone caused a LOT of anxiety in my poor dog. He went from begging to completely neurotic. He walked in circles around the kitchen and living room, he asked to go outside and then stood and looked around, confused as to what to do next. Then he came back inside and began to look at me and whimper (still holding the bone in his mouth). I attempted to get him to "hide" the bone on the couch and no such luck. The poor thing. I didn't mean to give him a nervous breakdown. I really thought I was giving him a treat!

Weekend Update

This weekend, I am happy to report, I am on lovely antibiotics, which seem to be helping. So yay for that :-) I have also decided that keeping the baby's room door closed doesn't make me feel any better, so I've opened the door. I'm not sure if this is a step in the right direction or not, but its a step.

Andrew and I were watching TV the other day and saw Giada make these amazing looking fried risotto balls. I'm from North Carolina, they're fried....of COURSE I wanted to make them. Don't judge!

We made them today and OH. MY. GOODNESS. Seriously, make these and you won't be sorry.
We used goat cheese for the middle (rather than the gorgonzola) and we used Target brand mushroom risotto instead of the regular risotto in her recipe.
Okay, so perhaps they don't look as wonderful as they are. But please, trust me. Make them.

Really?!

I feel that I get a "pass" on positive today thanks to my very positive, thankful post yesterday. So today I get to express my true feeling of the day....REALLY?!

As if there wasn't enough going on to deal with...I had to call the doctor's office this morning because I suspected that I had not one, but two infections happening in my poor little body. A nurse called me back a few hours later and said that she suspected I was correct about the bladder infection (common with an epidural because of the catheter), and said that my concern that I might have an infection in my uterus of some kind made me need to come in to see the doctor. So, reluctantly, I agreed to show up at 1:10 for an appointment.

Now, I must remind everyone that the doctor who was with us all day on Friday was AMAZING and she truly is the bright light in all of this truly crappy experience. So at least I knew I could count on her to be understanding, compassionate, and perhaps most of all, as quick as she could so I could get out of the place of the pregnant women otherwise known as an OB/GYN office.

It CANNOT be said that the office staff shares her amazing qualities. We have had problems all through this experience with the office staff saying STUPID things that, had they looked at my file to see what was going on with me prior to opening their mouths, could have been avoided. So after sitting in land of the pregnant women (including one teenager obviously in her third trimester...REALLY?!) for about 10 minutes, they call me up to the desk. The lady there looks at her computer at my information and says, "When you're ready you can go leave your urine sample." Now, this seems like an innocent statement to the average person. However, if you've been pregnant lately, or know someone who has, then you may know that this is what they say to all of the pregnant women when they arrive in the office. So my thought was....REALLY?! But before I could even truly process that, it gets BETTER (which if you are reading this, you probably know JUST how sarcastic I sound while saying that...). The same lady glances back at her screen (probably because of my facial expression) and says, "Oh what am I saying?! You don't need to do that today. Congratulations! How are you feeling?"

...

REALLY?!

Although I was tempted to answer her quite truthfully....I simply decided to go with, "Not very well."

Thank goodness for our doctor. And for my husband NOT jumping over the desk.

The doctor discovered what she believed to be a small piece of placenta still in my cervix, which she removed and prescribed a healthy dose of antibiotics. She expects all to be well by Wednesday.

I've said to people before that I'd like people to feel like they can talk to me without worrying that I might spontaneously combust. However, I now feel the need to ask of everyone just one thing. If you're trying to come up with something to say, please avoid the phrase, "Congratulations! How are you feeling?" It may just be the cause of combustion.

Thankful on Thursday

A friend of mine from school has a blog post like this each Thursday. I loved the idea, so as any good teacher would do, I stole it.

So here's my list today:

1. I'm thankful for my husband. The word "amazing" does not begin to describe how wonderful he has been supporting me through all of this.

2. I'm thankful for all of my friends and family. We have had so much love and support in the last week. I'm thankful for anyone who has been brave enough to say SOMETHING to us. I know it must be hard to come up with something to say....we joke that we get a lot of "there are no words" and "I don't know what to say" as the beginning of someone's statement to us....but quite honestly, I'm just thrilled when people say something and have faith that I will not spontaneously combust if they accidentally say something that may not have been the best choice.

3. I'm thankful for our first child, Chestnut. He's adorable and he knows it. He makes me laugh and smile through tears. I mean, really:
(Thanks to Uncle Justin for this picture)

4. I'm thankful for the four months I spent getting to know the baby boy we just lost. It's not the ending we were hoping and praying for, but I'm thankful that we were able to get pregnant and I got to enjoy the pregnancy for as long as I did. I don't know if everyone is aware, but we'd been trying for almost two years to get pregnant and we were going to start infertility treatment when we found out we were pregnant. Its a blessing to know that its possible for us to get pregnant on our own.

5. I am thankful for the child in my class who was brave enough and mature enough to draw a picture and write on it, "Dear Mrs. Eckert I'm so sorry about the baby. I'm so very sad." And I'm thankful to the teachers who delivered that message to me. What an amazing child. I will treasure that picture forever.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thursday.

Its important for our friends and family to know what we have gone through and what we are continuing to go through. I've tried to provide the facts, as it is impossible to express on a blog what we are going though emotionally.

Thursday February 3, 2011 we had our normal doctor's appointment for 17 weeks of pregnancy. We knew there wouldn't be a sonogram, just a simple fetal heart beat monitoring and a quad screen blood test. We didn't know yet whether we were having a boy or a girl. We had no reason to think anything was wrong. I had just started to feel the baby moving. I had just started not to feel nauseous all the time.

On Monday, February 7, I got a phone call while I was at work. The phone call was simply to report the results of the quad screen and the nurse asked me to call her back. I immediately began to be concerned that she didn't just say "everything is okay" on the message. I called back and she informed me that the blood results had not been normal. We would be scheduled for a level II ultrasound on Wednesday to see if it was a false positive or if there was something wrong.

At the ultrasound, we were informed by a radiologist that the baby had anencephaly which was "not compatible with life." Anencephaly is a neural tube defect that causes no skull to be formed over the top of the head and no brain to be formed. The baby had a brain stem only, hence the ability to kick and move, but not to live. We immediately went to our doctor's office for information on what to do next.

The doctor informed us that we had two options: carry the baby to term, knowing that the baby would not live, or schedule a delivery early. We chose to go ahead and deliver the baby. Either way the baby would not be able to live past a few minutes at best. We were scheduled to come back to the doctor's office Thursday afternoon to begin the process and Friday morning I would be admitted to the hospital for labor and delivery.

Thursday afternoon seaweed sticks were put into my cervix to attempt to "ripen" the cervix or force the cervix to begin to dialate. I was informed that this had the potential to be a very long labor, as my body in no way was rejecting the baby, and my body had no reason to believe it needed to go into labor. Also, this was my first child, and my body would not be as willing as perhaps someone who had previously given birth to progress in labor.

Friday morning I checked into the hospital with Andrew and my mother by my side and my father at home with our puppy. We checked in at 7:30 and soon enough I was given drugs to induce labor.

At 9:11 pm I delivered our baby boy. He was alive at birth and died shortly after. He was issued a birth certificate and a death certificate at the same time.

No one should EVER have to go through this. Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers as we find our way.

Fan's choice

You asked for it, and so you got it:

More baby bump as it progresses. For now- GO PACKERS!!!